January 13, 2000

i was driving, driving in the afternoon on the 134 freeway in l.a., heading north towards dickie's house.  there was a big storm, and i had already seen one car 'fly' by me (like the cow did in "twister"), but that had been miles back and i figured i was far enough away from that part of the storm to not get caught up in it.  suddenly i began to lose control of my car.  i was in the 2nd to the fast lane, and the car started spinning around and around and around on the freeway.  i knew i was asleep, but i was dreaming i was asleep in the *car* and i was SCREAMING at myself: "GAIL, WAKE UP! YOU HAVE TO GET CONTROL!  WAKE UP! GET CONTROL!". and i was pushing, pushing as hard as i could to wake up, pushing on the bed, gripping and pushing myself up to a sitting position.  my cell phone going off woke me up, drenched in sweat, halfway sitting up next to dickie in the hospital bed, fists clenched, pushing, grasping, trying to "get control."

and then realizing what the dream was about:  i've never had control of this situation.  i've been able to take care of dickie and take care of 'things' that needed to be taken care of, but i have no control, nor have i ever had any control over this.  i knew that consciously.   i guess subconsciously i thought differently - that maybe if i tried hard enough, did enough, if i was there for him enough - i could stop this deadly progression or at least prolong his life in a way that could still be considered LIFE.

but i can't.