Let's take a survey, shall we? How many of you out there are into body piercing?   Clap your lips.  Good for you.  Hey, if you don't mind people mistaking your head for a tambourine, then why should I let it bother me?  What do I care if your eyebrow ridge looks like the outer perimeter of Fort Knox?  And sure, that railroad spike protruding from your tongue may effect my TV reception, but it won't effect my opinion of you.

What will make me lose respect for you, however, is your tendency to get defensive when I stop and stare.  Get over it, OK?  I'm not judging you-I'm admiring you. Isn't that the whole point of body art, anyway?  Attracting attention?  Take offense at my curiosity and I'll really give you a reason to be offended.

"Hey, what are you looking at?"

"That trailer hitch on your lip.  I was hoping you could direct me to the nearest boat launch.  Say, I'm going fishing and I forgot my tackle box-mind if I just cast your face into the lake?"

Then again, who am I to talk?  What's the difference between my getting my ear pierced and your getting your nose pierced?  Other than the respective amounts of liquor involved, nothing.  We were both a little nervous at first and we both did it for the same reason:  Our inner children were crying out for our parents to come running after us with staple removers and a bottle of peroxide.  So do me a favor, will you?  Allow me to give you a few pointers before you start punching any more holes in your body.  Remember, body piercing is an art form.  And just like with any art form, you need to know the rules before you can break them.

First off, look in the mirror.  What do your clothes say about you?  Are you a punker?  A rocker?  A slacker?  How far are you willing to go to create the image you want to project?  Would you dye your hair fluorescent purple?  Cover your arms in tattoos?  Get more piercings than a tribal shaman?  Fine, go for it.  But you can't just start plugging holes in yourself like a drunken country singer with a sequin gun, you have to pay attention to detail.  Listen to your body.   Where is it telling you to drill?  There's nothing wrong with self-mutilation as a fashion statement as long as you approach it with a little forethought and creativity.

For example, if your look consists of baggy jeans, combat boots, numerous tattoos and a Trent Reznor (Courtney Love, if you're a woman) haircut, 20 earrings and a nose ring the size of a satellite dish, then a giant meat hook through the jaw would not be an illogical addition to your growing collection of skin trinkets.  It'll either get you laid or beat up, depending on what kind of clubs you hang out in, but it won't seem the least bit out of place on your noggin.

If, on the other hand, you're a sweater-wearing accountant with a forehead full of acne scars, don't show up at the office next Monday with a huge silver hoop lodged in your nostril.  Your clients will think that your secretary got pissed and stabbed you with a paper clip.

Some kids are wasting way too much time on body piercing when they should be worrying about the total package.  You wouldn't put a spoiler on a Yugo, would you?  Yet I'll often spot a teenage girl showing off her belly ring like it's the Hope Diamond; meanwhile, this hapless adolescent is sporting inch-thick eyeglasses and an orthodontic retainer the size of a NASCAR roll-bar.

Which reminds me, my nephew Stephen has an earring now.  Although my sister and parents were against it at first, they finally came to grips with the massive peer pressure my nephew was up against at school.  These days, all fourth- graders "have to have" designer jeans and footwear, body piercing, beepers and all sorts of other fashion privileges that used to be reserved for adulthood.  Refuse to get your boy's ear pierced at the mall, and you run the risk of his getting it pierced on the playground after school one day:

"Young man-come here, right now! Why the hell is your ear orange, for Christ's sake."

"I dunno, 'cuz that was the color of the nail Tommy pierced it with?"

But what if your 10-year-old daughter asks if she can get her tongue pierced?  Don't worry, she won't.  Kids don't get that stupid until their teens.

By the way, what's this about people getting their tongues pierced in order to make oral sex more pleasurable for their partners?  I can see someone doing it as an experiment with masochism, but as a gesture of sexual reciprocity? Sorry, Charlie.  Star-Kist wants tuna with good sense.

Look, I love my girlfriend to death; but, there's no way in hell I'm planting a lawn dart in my tongue just to heighten her ecstasy.  If she wants to be "satisfied," she can eat a Snickers bar.

Because, anyway you slice a Snickers, it comes out nuts.  And that's exactly what you are if think I'm going to let some tattooed gorilla impale the most sensitive part of my mouth with a stainless steel lightning rod.  I'd rather have my family jewels dipped in mercury.

You, however, can do whatever you want.  I don't care if your tongue looks like a wedge of Swiss cheese when you're done with it.  It's your body.  Have fun.   Just don't get mad at me for staring.